Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

❤️🦆

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

Ion see the issue

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*