CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Dumplings,
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam