CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
(True)
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.