CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Spider-cat: No One Home
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!