Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Somebody’s lying.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.