Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?