@PyJamieParty

CDC??? I’m only still getting used to Blu-ray!

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@frenziedandfine

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

@TabooBooSF

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

@PhuckinCody

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

@Parkerlawyer

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over

@david8hughes

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”