Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
CDC??? I’m only still getting used to Blu-ray!
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I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?