CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
how much does a mortician urn in a year
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”