Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.