CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments