CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
this is literally a CIA plant
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
mumsnet is amazing
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩