CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

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If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?


The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.


Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.


Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.


The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market


[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know


Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?


My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.