If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.
God: [pocketing money] why?
Horse: because he deserves it.
[later at dinner]
Unicorn: well this is nice.
God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.
The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.