@pittdave13

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

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@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@hipstermermaid

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@ThinkingSavage

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

@FeelingEuphoric

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point