@pittdave13

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

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@Tups13

If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?

@bazecraze

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

@Tmoney68

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@GMPaiella

The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market

@junejuly12

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

@dumbbeezie

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

@PhilLaysheO

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.