CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
💻🤡
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART