CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total