Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”

*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat