CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.