CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
one last job
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Always…
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!