Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

hmmm

omg leave her alone