Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.