Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*