CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.