Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

My birth announcement for our third baby

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”