@CrowsFault

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

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@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@SIGHFIDELITY

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@Just_Beachy72

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

@Dallani

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

@daemonic3

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@ItsAndyRyan

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man