Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day