Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

ㅤ

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”