CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Yup!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”