Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

One venti cheeseburger please.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers