Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂