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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.