Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.