Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

My biological clock is wheezing.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.