CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.