CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me at the job i begged god for
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while