@PleaseBeGneiss

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

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@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

@seamussaid

I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels

@avaxnj

White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo

@MarfSalvador

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?