@PleaseBeGneiss

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

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@baronvonbike

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

@shadonium

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

@ADifGuy

I’m gonna stop you right there.

– traffic

@mrjohndarby

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

@mack44_d

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

@upsidedowntrash

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]