CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
what the
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Please do it!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.