Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I’m gonna stop you right there.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]