Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.