Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake