Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?