ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.