Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Seems legit

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword