Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.