Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

It do be feeling this way.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.