Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.