Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?