Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Drive like no one is watching.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts