Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.