Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

mood

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.