Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.