@SortaBad: Celebrating Easter by looking like I've been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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@InternetHippo: before twitter: i’m the most miserable person on earth after twitter: i’m…not even in the top 50%
@ThRealBallsDeep: Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled "shoo", but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
@KalvinMacleod: [school] TEACHER: how was your summer? STUDENT: great, I grew a foot TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
@DestineyLynn: *Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall* Well... sounds like a problem for the next person.