Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Truth
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.