Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

🤣🤣🤣🤣

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years