Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.