Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
You Might Also Like
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular