celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.