Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

I’ve had worse

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock