celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
😭😭
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol