celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family