Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
You Might Also Like
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
12653.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Dumple
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
