Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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are they though??
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I am a gravy boat captain
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.