Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Planet of the Apps.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.