celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*orders delivery*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now