Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.