Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months