Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams