Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

cat vs inanimate object

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄