Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I have taken up painting
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.