Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*