Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco