Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.