Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.