Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.