Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
A small tragedy.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My life coach traded me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.