Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised