Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty