Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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Rather alarming headline…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!