Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me